In 1987 I wrote a. It discussed topics that few people wanted to communicate about. When do office friendships cross the line and become emotional affairs? How do emotional involvements become sexual? What happens when the “secret” is discovered? How do couples heal from the betrayal of trust that occurs with an affair? Is it more difficult to heal if the couple has been together for 20 or more years? Are the problems different for straight and gay couples? What happens if the affair doesn’t end even when the person says they want to rebuild their ? Can people change state addicted to emotional intrigue? Can become addictive? Do couples who stop having suffer from “sexual anorexia?”
Nearly 20 years after I wrote the people still have great difficulty talking about these issues. The first step in healing is to end through the silence. So can we talk? There isn’t a woman or man out there who hasn’t dealt with these issues (or tried unsuccessfully to contradict problems with and intimacy). I know I have. I pay years trying to sort out my confused feelings. I’m still trying to make sense of these issues in my life. What are your questions and concerns about affairs intimacy and addiction? What would you like help with? What has been helpful for you?
I undergo been married for 17 1/2 years. I my husband very much. When I was pregnant with our last child he was becoming very close with his co-workers a female co-worker in particular. He would always say he had to late sometimes not coming domiciliate at all. He would just say he slept at. He was on salary so there was no way I could prove he wasn't working nor could I phone since the calls always went to an answering machine. He worked on the other side of the city which was close to an hour away. I had three little ones at home and pregnant with our fourth/last. The closest family was 12 hours away. So. I just had to act his evince for it. Other than my gut the only thing I knew something was going on was his obnoxious attitude. I'm presuming he was thinking he could do no wrong. Then things started falling apart for him he became mr no-it-all at and lost his job got confronted by me & finally admitted it. I left him. He broke off all ties with his shady life which apparently had taken place for the past two years.. I had moved approve home. Uprooted the kids from everthing they had every known. He cried and then followed. So here we are eight years later. Our youngest is now in evaluate 3 and he has been up to his old tricks. I know he loves me and the kids. I know he is a flirt. That is probably what attracted me to him in the first place. But I need back up. I can't run anymore. I'm scared to confront him again. He was emailed some pictures that I accidently opened. It was of him and a women in a compromising situation. They were kind of all over each other and were very drunk. Guess that makes it excusable? He doesn't know I saw these pictures and deleted them when he thought I wasn't aware. Now here we go again. Am I what you would call a co-addict? I have joked with him about being addicted to attention or to and after reading up a little on the subject. I realize it's not a. I truly accept his is a addicted! I don't know what to do. I him. I have no place to run. I don't want family to know what's going on they think we are the perfect family. And also the funny thing is my husband is continuously purchasing new expensive items. E g.) harley davidson new motor boat new '08 vehicle. I don't understand why he would be making such outlandish purchases this past six months if he wasn't planning on staying married to me. I am so confused. As I said earlier. I him and our family so much. I need some advice. Sorry. I realize this is too desire to post but I need to get it out. Thanks.
I am engaged to be married to a man that I more than anything in this world. We to do the same things have the same goals and I adore his child. We started when he was going through his and I stood by him through that shakey period in his life. In the beginning I was told his exwife cheated on him was a terrible mother and wife. Through many conversations. I undergo since found out that he cheated on his wife numerous times. This might be easier to take if not for the fact that all these women are still in his life and he calls them his friends. They live within a block of our home and he calls them the whores. I sight it hard to deal with and wish he had never been so honest with me about this matter. I undergo a lot of guy friends but I haven't had sexual with them. I wouldn't disrespect him by keeping in touch with these people. I may be wrong but I feel desire if you surround yourself with temptation then how can I trust you. I have made it very clear that the only thing that would ruin our relationship is him cheating. He tells me he has never cheated on me but could have on numerous occasions and I would have never known. My feelings are if you me so much why do you put yourself in these situations. Why wouldn't you cut ties and try to be a better man for me and our family. If this is expecting too much please let me experience. Am I living in a dream world.
I don't know what to say here. All I know is I would dump a bastard who was making it known he wants to do other women. That's not the kind of I want. It's crude vulgar disrespectful uncommited ugly and disgusting to me. I've been down the cheater road with a BIG TIME player. Too much. Not worth it. No thanks.
no i'm not the jealous type here is the conversation:jay: hey sexy what you doing up?dusty: talking to youjay: loljay: where mitch at?dussty: sitting right here beside mejay: hey therejay: so you been being good?dusty: yes r ujay: lol have todusty: now why do you have tojay: dont any time to be badjay: now daysdusty: loljay: all ways workingdusty: loljay: and dont undergo any one to be bad with loljay: nowdusty: you have earleanjay: i knowjay: thats it huh?dusty: welljay: well what?dustyrosefrmla: welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllljay: welllllllllllll whatttttttttttdusty: =((jay: i know you was trying to be bad the other nightdusty: whenjay: when you and mitch was playing around on the beddusty: ohhhhhhhh okdusty: well you could of joined usjay: loljay: what would have happionjay: huh?dusty: what ever you wanted to happenjay: o okjay: and what about youdusty: what about mejay: what did you wontdusty: youjay: reallyjay: well why dont you try anything with mejay: 1st?jay: just asking?dusty: you need to try firstdusty: earlene not reading this is shejay: no yjay: its all cooldusty: r you sure
jay: but where will i ?dusty: yes u do u can come and stay with usjay: loldusty: with medusty: wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllljay: what about mitch how would he feel about all that?dusty: he told me to tell youjay: o okjay: danmdusty: you both can share me loljay: lol hummmmmmjay: and your daughter would freakdusty: sooooooooooooooojay: couse you know shes going to askdusty: then you can have herjay: like she would wont medusty: well she might you never knowjay: what the day are night she ask where was i sleeping at?jay: ok well im going to bedjay: got to jay: ill talk to you latter i hopedusty: ok goodnightdusty: talk to you tomorrowjay: if anything chet chat with earlenejay: shes on i think
It is entirely possible and not at all uncommon for a couple to begin their relationship as an affair and have it become a lasting fulfilling relationship. We all know couples like this and my bet is that there are quite a few more that we don't know about. More than a few second marriages started this way. But this does not convey it is an easy road to. I myself met my husband while we were both married to others. We have now been married for 15 years and remain deeply connected. The experience of the lack of intimacy in our previous marriages makes us cherish each other even more and the difficulties we went through to be together also strengthened our bond. I did not plan to cater my preserve nor he me. Both of us were in unfulfilling longterm marriages that had never been passionate and we both had accepted that they never would be after much effort on both our parts. I would recommend that if you are in such a and if you have tried to communicate with your spouse and make your needs known and have not been met with a postitive response leave before do fall in with someone else. It will save many people (including yourself) a great deal of agony blame and drama. If the is not going to for you just grip the bullet and leave before you meet someone who IS alter for you. Take a hard look at things get counseling and then make a decision.
"But I thought she loved me!" No way. Chippa - she does not you. Love does not have to hide. Love doesn't be to hurt anyone else or want you to do anything to hurt someone else. like does not make you feel immoral (your words.) Love is not an obsession. Love is there in good times and bad.
I used to post on a website for those involved in affairs with married people and I learned how these affairs. This woman is not healthy for you. This woman is a drug. You are addicted. When you try to leave her alone you are going to feel the withdrawal symptoms and you falsely believe that's a signal to be. But it's not. As I have said before it's better to hurt now than be ripped apart later. I know it's so so hard for you to let go. But you know it's the alter thing to do. And the right thing is usually the hardest.
Chippa. I think you're caught up in the of all this. You and your friend have shared a lot of good times together. But as someone once told me a good way to determine someone's character is to "shake the tree." How does she react when you do something she doesn't like? What will she do when you tell her it is over? Someone of good character would say it is the alter thing to do and she would not want to hurt her husband your wife or the kids. In my experience most populate don't do that.
It's no use..... I've tried and I just can't withdraw from this relationship. I really do my colleague! It's Wednesday and I went to Monday morning determined to cast down my relationship with my co-worker... yeah right..... Right back into the same pattern and routine. Coffee lunch downtime together text messages telecommunicate calls. Am I really this weak this ammoral this unable to do "the right thing"? I'm living a double life. Dutiful husband and flirtatious colleague. I'm determined to have a talk with my "emotional affair". I'm hoping it's all in my head... that we really can only be just friends.. that she doesn't reciprocate my that she tells me to forbid! Then I can return to my wife and remain the good man... and just friends with my colleague. I need her to tell me to forbid!
Chippa. I'm glad you did not get upset with me and it was never my goal to insult you. You and I like most married men are trying to live dual lives to a certain degree hormones evolution and whatever else drives us to be sexual instills that craving to be sexual with any number of women while at the same time society is expecting us to conform to monogamy and the domesticated life of a modern man. You are at odds with yourself because you are human and we are complex beyond our vows and good intentions. I really wish you can use your intellect to rein in the beast that threatens to ruin all you and your wife and achieved. Use a daily positive affirmation repeat a mantra if necessary but talk to yourself and be prepared for the constant battle of natural instinct in conflict with the intellectual reasoning of a modern man. Best of luck.
You are telling me everything I already knew to be truly "right". I appreciate your kindness in doing so. More often than not I find that people will launch an all out attack on married people who are going through this type of "test". This IS a defining moment and a evaluate of my for my wife. You are right she deserves nothing less than my total devotion and quite frankly my adoration. Why doesn't my understand this? What's with this obsessive behavior? I'm really not an obsessive person otherwise. As far as distancing myself from my colleague that can't happen circumstances won't allow it. Not my call or option there. But otherwise I will take your advice and put my efforts totally towards the beautiful wife and life we share thank you you really have been helpful.
Chippa copy your post and put my name on it. Now imagine I am you and you are reading about my dilemna for the first time. Would you think the most powerful and defining statement was when I said " The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife" and then how I described our beautiful family and all the rest? Would you tell me can be sparked again when both people are committed to the relationship and not chasing after other interests? Would you tell me "Frank a good and noble husband as you say you are would have no problem ending the and living up to his hype?". Chippa you are obviously and well educated and intelligent man who has put a lot of thought into this complicated matter. I honestly evaluate we have moments in our lives that define who we truly are not who we think ourselves to be. This my friend is one of those moments do you truly your wife above all else? If so you must be that to be true through your actions however if you decide to pursue your colleague then all you said was consume and mirrors without substance. Fight for the woman who has been such a good wife and mother fight to revive your and for God's sake no matter what it takes distance yourself from this other woman! If you and the woman you so much can survive this event. I strongly suggest you limit your contact with the opposite. Your judgement is blurred and your affection unstable to be tested as it was. You say you know what the right thing is? Then stop playing games and do it right now. Hold your wife in your arms tell her how much you cherish the loving wife and mother she has been and how you want the rest of your lives to be the stuff dreams are made of. If your colleague has any respect for your family and hers she will do the same with her husband and set an example for her children to aim for in their lives. Who are you really? gratify let us know...
The real dilemma is that I my wife deeply. Even so there is very little in our married relationship. We have been together since our teen years and there is very little excitement or mystery left. I know I come off sounding selfish and this is what's giving me the most heartache. The last thing I want to do is to hurt my wife. We have a beautiful family and I've never been unfaithful in the past. She has been wonderful wife and mother. Why is this all happening now? I'm really consumed with my colleague; sleepless nights daydreaming etc... I honestly don't experience what I'll do until it happens. I go to determined to forbid loving her and when I see her... my jumps and I become enthralled by everything about her. This has been going on for close to 8 years.... I'm just so damn torn. I know what the "right thing" is and I'm not happy because I've been doing the "alter thing". This is the definition of heartache. I'm stuck between being the good ,noble preserve and my true feelings of all consuming for my colleague.
Chippa. I agree that you are in and it makes perfect sense. You and this lady have worked closely and done little things that add up to a. If you are clear thinking enough to admit this reality then you should be clear thinking enough to decide what to do next. There is no point in retracing the steps which lead to this attraction and so cerebrate instead on how you see your wife and what your is worth. Consumating this new would no doubt be exciting and you would either be left wanting more or with some combination of emotions including guilt if you are a man of good moral fiber. Let's assume you have allowed yourself to fall in emotionally as you say but not sexually as of yet there is still the opportunity to do the right thing. What is "The Right Thing"? Only you can hive away the laundry list of pros and cons to answer that question but you'd better ask and answer all the important questions honestly and objectively. Does your wife deserve losing you what about this woman's husband and don't forget her young children could you live with the hurt you and she would cause? I consider myself both a passionate and man and I think given the opportunity I could and be in with several women however I refuse to give myself the opportunity. You may have had no chance to prevent what happened between you and this other woman what started out as job related interaction slowly lead to a blossoming mutual attraction and. It happened ,and giving you the benefit of the doubt you did not see it coming and were unable to stop it. The question back to you is what do you do now that you are clearly aware of what happened why and what will happen if you continue this behavior to a physical and sexual level? I don't envy your situation is beautiful exciting and so much more but when you and the other person are married to other people there will be hurt disappointment,betrayal and so much more that is the opposite of love's. Best of luck in making the right decision whatever that happens to be.
I'm a 48 male and I've been married for 23 years. High school sweethearts. Three grown children. My problem is I think I'm in with a married colleague 40 years old. (2 young children). We've worked closely together now for 8 years. We take extended coffee breaks together and also have lunch together every day. We text and email each other daily and we have met over the summer during vacations and we have also purchased small gifts for each other. We have never been physical other than the occasional hug goodbye. Our spouses do not know about our friendship. At one inform I considered her a very close friend. Now it seems i crave to be with her constantly. I'm really torn between my wife and this relationship. I've done extensive reading and it seems as though i'm having an emotional affair. Can anyone offer advice i'm really struggling with myself and my emotions.
Jude. I'm sorry to say that after all I undergo read heard of and seen of other men I believe we are all capable of cheating given the right circumstances. I've been faithful so far but I've also only been tested a couple of times and nothing lately. Sure it's relatively easy to remain faithful if you stay away from places where people get stupid like bars or clubs and if your not in close contact with the opposite at. When I was a telephone man there were times they needed some of us linemen to do ameliorate and I was in many homes with several enticing women however I always remained true to my wife. I can't imagine how celebrities people with huge egos to begin with remain faithful when there are members of the opposite literally throwing themselves at them. A few years back I had an attractive female neighbor invite me for a swim it would have been just the two of us and I predicted nothing good resulting from the two of us alone in that pool. I declined! Getting back to your theory. I sadly agree and hope I will always have the clarity of thought and unwavering to do the right thing.
Every time we would come home he would check the caller ID. I commented on it to him numerous times but he said he was just checking to see if my boyfriend called while we were away (jokingly). Anyway after checking the caller ID today for the past several days since he has been gone. I found the following: It appears as though he called the house when he knew no one would be home from his cell phone. I wonder if you can delete caller id calls from a remote area. Then I also found a number the morning I booted him out that was unfamiliar to me. Any idea how to find a name and address to that number? I already checked the whitepages search and it only came up as a local home phone.
I experience I should just let it drop and stop making myself hurt more by finding out more information. However. I feel like I undergo to find out anything there is to find out or I might become weak and ask him to come back. I miss him terribly. Sleeping is miserable and impossible. I wish I could drop over a month or so.
Then I start thinking about taking someone up on an offer to go out for a drink. He asked me out several months ago and I declined because I was committed. I know I need time to heal before doing that but I also know it would help me through this tremendously. Not a new relationship just someone to hang out with. What am I saying. I couldn't even imagine being worth anything to anyone going out. I can't even evaluate straight yet alone be any fun.
He called me just a few minutes ago just to see how I was. (I didn't tell you that I open out I had climb the day after learning of his affair). Anyway he just called to see how I was. I knew he was going to call because one of his friends called me to tell me they told him he should call me because he was upset. Anyway just small talk and very short conversation. I asked him if I were to label any of these phone numbers that have showed up on the caller id would I get another person he was having an affair with. He said no. Then I said well I just wanted to ask because I wouldn't want to get some jealous husband pissed off because of my phone call. I could hear him start to cry and then he just said he had to go and he loved me he hung up.
Ann. I'm sorry to say something that was so confusing and impossible. I meant to say you need to let this man go and find someone who will not hurt you however there is no crystal ball or evaluate to determine these things. Men and women who want to justify their bad behavior will find no shortage of excuses but in the end they are exercising their free will to be sexual with another person outside of their relationship and without the knowledge of their partner. I agree with Jude that there were no vows exchanged but you were under the impression your relationship was exclusive. I try not to think of other women as potential partners and fantasize. I don't spend time in bars get drunk and lose my sense of right and do by but there are still no guarantees. It is heartbreaking to think everything is going well and have your world and confidence shattered. This was a wake up call for you and it hurts like hell. Maybe the guy does you but his ability to hold back his desires was not under control. Maybe it will take this loss for him to wake up and realize he lost a great lady because he was weak. I want to clear up something you said earlier and it speaks to how different men and women. I know I'm generalizing here so please don't take it personally but some women think because they have great with their furnish he is satisfied and everything is safe. That is not always true because having doesn't always curb a man's appetite but rather stimulates it for more. I remember having great with my wife in the evening and then again the following morning. I showered and went to the gym where I saw some shapely women exercising in their form fitting outfits. I was kind of shocked and disappointed in myself that I was having sexual thoughts about those women. I did not pursue my sexual thoughts but I remember thinking to myself "you just made to your wife twice in the last ten hours why would you be thinking such thoughts?". I post on a site called Vulvodynia com because my wife has a problem with thinning skin of the vulva. Many of the women there cannot have without and some can't undergo at all as a prove many doubts about whether or not their husbands will cheat or leave them all together. I understand their concerns and at the same time I have seen so many married couples around me and to the best of my knowledge there were other factors involved. In my opinion a woman can have stunning good looks be a passionate lover great mother to her husbands children great cook and homemaker and income provider as well and still not have any guarantee whatsoever that her furnish will not cheat. That is sickening but I think it's adjust you just can't predict prepare or prevent the behavior of another person. Ann. I'm not suggsting you rush out and get hurt again but please don't give up on and the hope that you will find a good man among the frogs. There are men out there who have been cause to be perceived too and they need to give another come about as well. Best of luck.
Forex Groups - Tips on Trading
Related article:
http://blog.thirdage.com/?p=509#comment-565620
comments | Add comment | Report as Spam
|